Flight to Thlassa Mey
I hate this book. That statement is too simple to really contain the depth of irritation I felt while ever so slowly slogging through the mockery that passes for dialog in Flight to Thlassa Mey. I read a lot of bad books but rarely do I feel this level of contempt for one of them. Even the most phoned-in me-too version of Rand Al’don’tsueme’s epic adventures at least has something that feels like the author took pride in it. Maybe it’s a secondary character, or some interesting detail in the setting, or just some clever wordplay. Flight to Thlassa Mey has nothing endearing. It’s a book so bad that I couldn’t bring myself to stop my 11 month old daughter from gleefully tearing off the covers.
Now if I go into the plot of the book now, you’ll read it to yourself and think “Oh, that’s pretty by the numbers but it doesn’t sound so bad,” so let me show you what is so bad about this book. Just before this dialog the protagonist, Palamon, has just scared off a guard who is now fleeing on horseback. Palamon’s companions are worried that the guard will report their position and send more pursuers after them. This is the actual dialog Palamon uses to reassure them.
“As for the last, he’ll not appear before a rigid officer, at least until his undergarment’s changed. So greatly did we fright him that I fear his late digested supper shares his seat. He fairly reeked in bidding us farewell.”
Yeah, go ahead and read that again, I typed it up just as it appears in the book. That’s what I was struggling with.
So Palamon is a 40 year old disgraced Knight of Pallas (as in Pallas Athena of course) who has an awesome mustache. This tidbit gets brought up over and over again. He is recruited by two women whose names I can’t be bothered to remember to help them escape an evil overload and an evil wizard who want to capture one of them because she’s a pretty pretty princess blah blah blah. There’s also a young buck rival for the princess’s attention with the group. They spend 300 pages with NARROW ESCAPES and DERRING-DO and BETRAYAL and HEARTBREAK all of which you have read in other, far less insipid books before. Palamon and the princess fall in love, but their love cannot be because Palamon disgraced himself by getting a maiden pregnant when Athena requires that her knights remain virgins for forever. So they look at each other with burning lust and recite dialog that has killed the part of me that enjoys life. Here, have another example.
“It shall not be, my darling – that you are. In this brief moment, you have taught me love, a gift that brings me joy and dark despair. For all of that, we shall remain apart, for what I am and what is past are one; my past is what I am; it will not change. I also cannot be restructured at a whim. So what has passed between us, though it is a beautiful reflection of what might have been, had we not been ourselves, must now be put aside. Our love is like the Gorgon; to look upon it is death.”
Oh, if only it was. Skip more action sequences and the romantic rival is badly injured and close to death. The woman who is not a princess begs Palamon to use his divine healing abilities to heal the guy. Palamon points out that he is disgraced, but she won’t relent, so he offers up the whiniest rhyming prayer ever and Athena answers. Then Palamon starts weeping like a baby and admits that he never done did that maiden, she had been raped by her dad and didn’t want to have her baby killed for being the product of incest. The princess, upon realizing that her forbidden boyfriend is actually a 40 year old virgin, is utterly delighted because now they can be married.
They finally arrive in the princess’s kingdom and Palamon asks for her hand in marriage, but the romantic rival challenges him to combat. The book at this point is all “Yeah, this is kinda sexist, the whole ’sure she doesn’t want to marry me but I’m going to win her through combat anyway’ but I’m doing it anyway so shut up.” Palamon pulls out a narrow victory and everyone is all happy. But then they are told a story about how all the princess’s older siblings were kidnapped by the evil wizard, and one of them was born right around the time Palamon was, and his favorite toy was broken when they found it and it just so happens to perfectly match the only belonging that was found on Palamon as a child when he was left on the doorstep to Athena’s temple. Palamon is horrified that he’s been making out with his sister this entire time, so he runs away.
As he is running, Athena herself steps out into the road to stop him. She’s all “Hey, yeah, that totally sucks about your sister, but hey, I never abandoned you! Plus I am totally cool with you losing your virginity now. No, all my other knights have to keep their junk to themselves, but you can totally get that other woman you were traveling with pregnant. She’s smart and she’s your age, so your relationship would totally be less creepy.” Only, you know, worse than that. And then he sees that yes, the other woman had been following him, and decides he’d be ok with sticking it in her, and returns to court to be a prince.
And just to cap things off, here’s Palamon’s horrific prayer to Athena.
“With a deep sigh, Palamon at last clasped his hands above Ursid. He was in thought for a moment, then he began. “Oh mighty Pallas, I have not the right to ask this blessing; still I must implore. Please hear me out while I say this much more: I beg consideration for this knight, so mangled in an honorable fight. He shall soon disembark from his life’s shore without thy aid. His wounds are grevious sore. I now pray in his name and not from spite.” Fascinated, Aelia and Berengeria watched while Palamon prayed. They both noted his fingers; he had clenched them so tightly that his knuckles had become as white as ivory. “I humbly beg thee, grant Ursid this boon: close up his many cuts from swordblades thin. Heal up his flesh, bind up his bloody wounds, bless with your breath the breath that he draws in. Give back his life or else it passes soon. Let him not die in payment of my sin.”
There are multiple sequels to this book. I now carry a lighter just in case.
